Coffee Anyone?

It's funny the things that stick with you and even more interesting the influence one person might have on a child.  We were sitting at dinner the other night and as dinner was wrapping up, my husband and I were giving out instructions for cleaning up for the evening, showers after, etc.  Our oldest, who never seems to know when the proper time to stop questioning "why" or injecting "buts" was doing the usual; complaining about having to do dishes, going on about how unfair it was, and basically exaggerating the situation to the point where you'd think she was working in a sweat shop.  She kept pushing the envelope in the usual teen way, and right before I was about to go into a parental lecture, my middle daughter said one word to her sister.  "Filter."  "Filter, Jessica", she said.

All four of the rest of us just stopped dead in our tracks, slack-jawed and staring at Sarah in her simplistic wisdom that was delivered so succinctly, so calmly and precisely.  Even Jessica stopped talking - a miracle in itself. 

I told Sarah that summed it up perfectly.  Jessica needed to learn to filter what went on between the thoughts swirling around in her head and the words that came out of her mouth.  It is such a simple concept, one that people of all ages of reason should practice and I wondered where on earth my ten-year-old had suddenly come up with this terminology that sounded like it had come out of a psych 101 class.  So I asked her. "Sarah, that is a wonderful way to describe it and something we can all practice.  Where did you learn that?" 

Now beaming, and obviously proud of herself, she told me a teacher she had two years before had told her class about filtering.  That filtering was going through your thoughts before saying anything and thinking through the consequences of what delivering them aloud would be.  Hence: filtering! 

So, for two years, my daughter had carried this around in the back of her mind and then when she saw a moment when it applied, it came to the forefront.  That teacher had left an imprint, one she probably doesn't even know about.  One that I thank her for now.  Of course, Sarah could practice filtering at times herself.  We all could.  And that's why I chose this as my topic today.

Think about it as a coffee filter.  You put the coffee grounds in the top of the coffee maker in a filter.  The filter keeps all the icky grounds out of the coffee letting only the water through, giving us a pure cup of coffee. Our mind is full of coffee grounds.  Mixed up thoughts.  Some that aren't so nice.  Some might be hurtful, spiteful, or disobedient.  Now, imagine a filter lining our brain.  The filter is us taking a pause, a breath to think about the consequences of what words we allow to escape our mouths.  That pause, that filter can allow only the good, necessary words to get through and keep all those "coffee ground" thoughts up behind the filter where they belong. 

Sure, there are always some things that need to be addressed, some things that might not be pleasant.  There are times where you might need to take a stand or stand up for yourself.  There are moments where you might have to speak a truth that's harsh, but someone needs to hear for a greater good.  But, think it through first.  Who are you saying it for and why? 

So my brief message today is "filter" and the credit goes to my daughter "Sarah" and her former third-grade teacher.

Oprah and Superman

Oprah Winfrey has been someone I have always admired.  She is a person who has taken her fame and done wonderful things to bring about positive change in the world.  I often miss her show because I am busy with the tedious tasks of every day life, but being this is her last season and I have pretty much grown up watching her show, I have been trying to tune in each day while I tend to my other tasks.

Today, I was glad I did and she had my full attention.  Her show focused on a documentary that is coming out within the next month called "Waiting for Superman".  This documentary is to focus on the serious flaws that we have in our American public education system.

As a mom, and a former teacher, I was very impassioned by this show.  Anything to do with children, especially when it is something that leaves children vulnerable when they have no power to act on their behalf, brings out the mama bear in me.

I felt the need to get the word out in my own neighborhood about this film and urge educators in my own system to not only see it, but walk away from it with ideas they are ready to implement to better our school systems.  They will most likely file my email in their spam or junk mail bin.  Some might read it and then click delete.  But if even one educator reads it and takes it to heart, I hope it makes at least a little bit of a difference.

I have felt for years that our school systems were flawed and had pinned high hopes on the first George Bush to change our educational system with his promises of school vouchers, something I had been preaching for in school reports way back in my college days.  Well, former President Bush let me down.  School vouchers never came to fruition.

The current President, well, let's just say I am not a fan.  He doesn't seem to have any interests outside of pointing the finger to blame someone else when something goes wrong.  Other than that, he seems to stand for nothing.  When he ran for election, we heard all about change.  Well, the economy tanked, so I guess we got change.  But, I digress.  This is not meant to be a political debate.

Back to the Oprah show.  I was so inspired by the show, I immediately set off to contact every member of the school board, superintendent, principal of my kids' schools, and all other school administrators I could find.

It is not an earth-shattering, monumental step, but everyone has to start somewhere, so this was my first step.  Maybe if something comes of it, I can take another step and get a ball rolling with other people interested in change.

Anyway, I thought for today's blog, I would share my letter with you. I did change the names in case they wouldn't want to be identified, though the principal should be.  He is one of the best I have seen in years.

Dear interim superintendent, members of the school board and administration, and Principal xxxxxx,

I am contacting all of you because I strongly believe it would be very beneficial if every teacher, school administrator, school board member, principal, and superintendent would go to see the documentary "Waiting for Superman" that will be opening in theaters in October 2010.  This documentary addresses many of the issues that plague our school systems here in America today. 

I whole-heartedly agree with this film that there are many teachers out there that are hiding comfortably under a blanket of tenure; that our schools are teaching to tests and yet many children don't learn that way.  I think teachers need to be more accountable for their students' performance and that learning needs to be more hands-on.  I feel that we have become so focused on test scores and overall statistics that individual students are no longer seen.  I believe that our educational system is seriously broken and this film brings to light a lot of serious issues that need to be addressed.

We at ABC Elementary school have a principal that I personally feel is on the right track.  We need more teachers and administrators like him.  He knows every student in his school.  He wants every parent involved and is implementing ways to get them there.  It is a step in the right direction.  I also know there is only so much he can do on his own. 

I have seen teachers that are burned out and should not be in the classroom anymore.  I have personally observed a teacher just a few years ago in our own school system that was so disorganized I didn't know how my daughter learned anything in her class.  Yet these teachers remain in our schools year after year.  Instead of focusing on children's test scores, why aren't we requiring teachers to take a certain number of continuing education classes over a specified amount of time to keep their teaching methods current and fresh; classes that might inspire them?  Why is the pressure to do better on the kids and not on the teachers and administrators?  Isn't it our job, as parents and educators to help our children?  Isn't it our job to help them shine and be the best they can be?  I think it is.  It is our job to show our children the way.  It's our job to give our children every opportunity to succeed.  

I urge this film be shown across all schools across our county - if not across America.  We can quote a "no child left behind" policy all we want, but the fact is, children are still being left behind.  The fact is, in some areas, things are getting worse.  Please require all educators to see this film. Thank you for taking the time to read what I have to say.

With deepest sincerity,

Gianna xxxxxxxx

Tick Tock

As summer has flown by and I wonder where it all went so quickly, I wish I had more time.  More time to vacation, more time to spend with the kids, more time to relax, more time to be silly and have fun. 

Not long ago, my daughter and I were discussing a website she wanted to join.  I told her I felt she already spent enough time on the computer and joining this new site would just add to that time.  I tried to point out that there is little more than a month left to her summer vacation and soon she would be back in school, without the luxury of deciding when to go out and play, when she would have to be on the computer doing homework.  That the days would grow shorter and the weather colder and she would find herself longing for these summer days again. 

What my daughter wasn't understanding, what I was trying to explain to her, is that each moment, every second we breathe, is our life.  There are no do-overs.  If there is something we want to do, now is the time.  No one is guaranteed a tomorrow.  If there is an interest she wants to pursue, the time is now.  As a kid, this is her time to have fun, be silly, play games, imagine, explore, try new things, and broaden her horizons.  And I think she would be sad if she looked back on it and saw that all she did was spend all her time on the computer and missed out on other things.  As a parent, I limit that computer time.  Sure, it makes me unpopular, but it forces her to pursue her other interests and encourages her to imagine other possibilities.

Parents don't get do-overs either.  We have one shot with our kids.  We don't get to redo their childhoods when we realize one day that we wish we had spent more time with them.  Now is the time to put the computer aside and color that page with your child or let the laundry linger a little longer and go fishing together.  This is the time to leave work on time and gather around a campfire in the backyard.  Kids won't care that you worked overtime to bring in a few extra dollars.  What they will remember, what they will cherish is that you went sledding with them when you had that big snowstorm.  Or that you used to cook hotdogs over the firepit in the backyard and then tell scary stories.  They'll remember movie nights, game nights, and extra cuddles. 

Life is this moment.  It's not tomorrow.  It's not yesterday.  It's this moment.  And what you choose to do with this moment will define how your life will be.  Will you be kind to others?  Will you choose to be happy with what you have or spend your time always wanting more?  Will you love your family or hurt them?  Will you comfort someone in need or turn away because you don't want to get involved?  Will you love with all your heart?  How will you spend this moment? How will you live life? Whatever you choose to do, your child will learn from it. How do you want them to live their lives?

Hidden Truths

     It's been awhile since I last blogged.  Life got busy and apparently one of my blogs hit a nerve with a reader.  My blogs come straight from my life, but let me be clear that I was speaking the truth when I said that true names would never be stated.  I also speak the truth when I tell you, my readers, however many or few of you there may be, that I stand by every word I post 100%.

     We find ourselves in a new era, unchartered territory for many.  Information becomes public with the click of a button.  And once out there, there is no getting it back.  It can be helpful, and it can be risky, dangerous even.

     If a reader finds themselves reading a blog and reflecting inwardly, whether or not it was meant for them, then I think that's a good thing.  It got people thinking.  Hopefully it brings about positive change.  Sometimes we come across a situation, book, or article that leaves us, myself included, facing hidden truths within ourselves we would rather not see.  Things we know about ourselves but don't like to admit.

     I myself had to face some of these truths in recent months and have gained some pretty wonderful things because of it.  I have better relationships with people in my life that I didn't have before and I am a happier person for it.  Unfortunately, I am still waiting for some others to catch on.  Maybe in time they will come around, maybe they won't.  One thing I have learned, is that it is out of my control.  It is a decision and a step that those people must make.

     I was going to stop blogging, but I think I have some important things to say.  I think some of them might be helpful to other moms out there... and not necessarily just moms, but all people, like me, living through the joys and challenges of each day.  So, I am back to blogging.  No offense is intended to anyone in particular in any of these articles.  These articles are about me, my parenting, and day-to-day life.  Anything more a reader relates to these events is purely coincidental.

Snow Days

When I sit back and think really hard, I can remember the days "way back when" I was a child and a new snowfall brought on squeals of delight from me and my siblings.  It meant no school, sledding, snowball battles, snow angels, and fun.  But now I almost cringe at the mention of the "S" word.  Snow.  That white stuff turns walking down the driveway to the mailbox into an extreme sport for the clumsy person that I am, let alone navigating sidewalks and parking lots. Snow means aching bones, scraping snow and ice off the car windows, treacherous roads, school closings, long lines at the grocery store, and loss of electricity. 

As I am currently smack-dab in the middle of our third big snowfall this winter, I have limited my outdoor time to shaking the snow off of our young evergreens so the branches don't break. Indoors, I spend my time working (thank goodness I don't have to commute!), doing the laundry and spending time with the kids when they choose to come in from the cold to defrost. 

Snow really throws our state off the track, with the federal government and schools closing and everyone running to the grocery store to "stock up".  This is a concept I can't fully grasp.  Every time the weatherman mentions the "S" word, hoards of people stampede to the grocery stores, clambering for milk, eggs, butter, bread, and bottled water.  How long do they think we are going to be "trapped" indoors?  Will they really run out of food if they can't get to the store for two or three days?  Are their cupboards bare, fridges empty?  I look at the food I have in my house on any given day and I think outside of immediate perishables, we could probably live for a month on what is already in the house.  Sure, it might be pickles and baked beans for dinner, but we definitely wouldn't starve. 

Cars take on a mind of their own in the snow as well.  Drivers helplessly gawk out the windshield, eyes the size of dinner plates, as their cars start randomly running into ditches, poles, and even other cars.  All previous driver's ed goes completely out the window as human instinct takes over and drivers just throw up their hands.

But, even though I don't enjoy the cold and snow as a general rule and dream of the day when I retire somewhere with the three good "S's" - sun, sand, and surf, I am still able to find some enjoyment in it all.

The first night of the snowfall is so quiet and peaceful - as if the blanket of snow is covering the sleeping city, bringing it to a hush. The next day, by contrast, is excitement - from the kids, of course.  They bundle up and run outside, frolicking in the snow, sledding, building snowmen and having a blast.  An hour later, they come in, change into dry clothes, and have some hot cocoa.  After that, they bundle up and go back out again.  When they come in an hour later, they change into more dry clothes, (yes, I have already said that) and my work begins trying to stay ahead of the laundry.  After three changes of clothes, the snow scrooge in me finally declares there will be no more wardrobe changes.  If you're in, you're in for good, if not, then sit by the fire and dry off!

There is something about the snowfall and school closings that I enjoy though and that is extra quality time with my family.  We forget about bedtimes, we play games, watch movies and read to each other all day long.  When we lost power in our recent snowstorm, the kids were "unplugged" and had to resort to non-electronic board games, card games and dice games.  And, even though there was moaning at the first moment of the power outage, the children actually learned that they could still have fun without all the laptops, tv shows, and telephones.  When we are snowed-in, we throw caution to the wind and make breakfast for dinner - a fun breakfast with chocolate chip pancakes topped with bananas, and your choice of syrup, whipped cream or both.  It's a day when Brad and I can forget about the daily responsibilities of work and enjoy our family. It's a time when we move the coffee table out of the way and "camp out" in front of the fire in the family room and sleep on sleeping bags on the couch and floor as we watch a movie together. 

Snow or no snow, try to make the most of any given situation.  As the saying goes, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade."  Well, in this case "when life gives you snow, make hot cocoa".

Resolutions

I am not big on New Year's resolutions.  I feel like if we are vowing to do something for the new year, then it's probably something we should have been doing all along - eating healthy, exercising, etc.  For instance, how many people join a gym with the full intent of getting fit enough by summertime to finally fit into that bikini in the closet, only to quit going a month later when the familiar routines take hold?  Then summer rolls in and they find themselves buying a one-piece suit in a bigger size.  But this year, I decided to make a resolution.  And yes, one that I should be living by already and one that will set an example for my children as well as providing me more peace.

How many times, when our children get into a disagreement or scuffle have we made the guilty party apologize, only to get the oh-so-heartfelt eye-roll followed by a sigh and a mumbled "Sor-ry"?  We are trying to teach our children that it is important to make amends.  I also add in that the receiver of the apology needs to then say "I forgive you".  Each party needs to recognize their part in the situation and learn to admit when they were wrong and be able to forgive people because, it turns out, we are all human. But the best way to teach my children forgiveness is to practice it myself; let them see forgiveness in action, and hope they learn by example rather than by rote.

I really do do my very best to forgive.  As a matter of fact, I sometimes felt like I have had the word "doormat" tattooed across my forehead from letting people walk over me just to keep the peace.  So when I was wronged for the umpteenth time by a family member this summer, I had decided enough was enough.  This time, I would take a stand.  I was not going to keep jumping through hoops for this person only to be knocked down again and again.  I had tried all sorts of tactics to please this person for years, but it was all up to whether the other individual was in the right mood whether or not they worked.  I mean, this person can hold a grudge like Billy Mays can sell Oxy-Clean!  At the age of 40, I had decided I was tired of the constant mind games and was closing the door on that relationship - this time for good. 

But after seeing this individual over the holidays, the tension and awkwardness that hung in the air made for a very unpleasant visit. We were civil, and there were other guests around for each of us to focus on, but barely a word was spoken between the two of us.

When I couldn't sleep that night, I was doing a lot of self-reflection and feeling guilty for having handled the situation poorly.  No, no fight had ensued or anything like that, but I had just done my best to avoid interaction with the individual in order to avoid further conflict and to silently let this person know that the relationship was still marred by the happenings of the summer.  I was still stinging from things that had been said months ago as well as a long family history behind that. 

Why can it be so hard for us to forgive others?  Sometimes it might be that the other person has spoken a truth that we did not want to hear or have been denying and when we are confronted with it, we take the defensive, unwilling to look at ourselves in an unflattering light. Or maybe we have been legitimately hurt in one form or another and we need time to lick our wounds.  But mostly, I think that it is difficult at times to forgive because in forgiveness we must acknowledge that the other person is just like ourselves, human.  All of us make mistakes and when we forgive we are verifying that we, ourselves, are included in that group of mistake-makers.

Forgiving doesn't mean that you have to be best friends with that person or even like them.  It is a conscious effort to get past the point of contention between the two parties.  By taking small steps and "practicing" forgiveness, we can eventually come to a cordial, or possibly a friendly or loving relationship.

I remember back when my husband and I were taking our marriage preparation classes that the Catholic church requires.  One of the couples teaching the class said that sometimes there would be days when we would have to purposefully decide that we loved our spouses.  That it doesn't always come easy; it sometimes take effort.  I think the same applies to all of the people in our lives. 

Forgiveness doesn't need to be announced.  In fact, I know if I walked up to the person I had a conflict with and said "I forgive you", she would say she didn't do anything to need my forgiveness.  No, forgiveness is internal, first in our head and then our heart.  It doesn't happen easily.  You have to take the first step by just saying to yourself  "I forgive them".  You need to practice it daily in your mind. Then you work on getting your brain to tell your heart.  When your brain and heart are finally in sync you will feel more at peace.

Sometimes the toughest person to forgive is ourselves. We are so hard on ourselves sometimes, always striving for perfection.  But when we realize our own imperfections and secret self-disappointments, we need to tell ourselves that we are doing the best we can on any given day in any given moment.  We need to embrace our human imperfections.  In doing so, we can gain greater self-acceptance and be more capable of forgiving others for their imperfections too.  When we learn that we are just as capable of the next person of causing disappointment, speaking harsh words, or striking out in other ways when we are angry, frustrated, hurt, stressed or upset, then we can be more forgiving of ourselves and others.  And that is what I have come to realize.  It's not only other people that can cause distress.  I am just as capable of doing so as the next person: if I can't forgive, then I am not recognizing that I am as flawed as the rest of humanity. So I have told myself that I handled things with the person of contention the best way I could on that given day and had to forgive myself for not really making more of an effort with them. I also realized that in doing so, I had to forgive the other person for the very same reason.  So I started in my mind, telling myself "I forgive her" over and over. And now my heart is starting to soften at the idea. And with that, I feel an inner peace that wasn't there before.

Forgiveness requires us to open our hearts to the suffering of others and extend compassion. 
By letting go of old grudges, we can feel a greater sense of freedom, healing and peace.  And by practicing forgiveness myself, I hope that I can pass that on to my children so that they may never be burdened with guilt, self-loathing, or grudges.  That they can live life with a lighter, happier heart and less worry.

So forgiveness is my resolution. And not one that will only last this year, but one that I plan on making a life-time practice.

I will leave you with a quote that I feel sums all of this up perfectly:

"Forgiveness is not forgetting an injustice done; it is the understanding that allows us to set aside the emotional impact of that injustice pertaining to ourselves.  When we no longer hold those emotions, and have understanding for the person, we have forgiven them. " - MoonSinger

Happy new year!