As parents, our patience is tested more times than McDonald's has served hamburgers. Yet the culmination of how we pass or fail those tests has an impact on our children greater than we can imagine. It shapes their self-esteem, how they interact with others, and what their own patience meter turns out to be. I don't know when I began to notice other parents' stress meters, but more and more lately, I see patience levels falling. I can only speculate as to why. Maybe it is the struggling economy, the stress of both parents having to work and then come home and take care of the children and household chores, the high divorce rates and single-parent homes, or the fact that our kids seem to be growing up much faster nowadays and facing adult-like challenges sooner now than they used to.
I have always noticed the signs of a person starting to short-circuit. That started in my own childhood. So, I have well over 30 years experience in recognizing the signs. But only recently did I feel confident enough to reach out and do something about it. Before, I feared that maybe if I spoke up, the parent would become more hostile or there would be worse repercussions for the child once they got home. But, I started to look at things in a different light in the past year or so. Not just "how can I help this child", but "how can I help this parent" out at this moment? There is a saying I read one day that I find applicable here, "Be nice to everyone you meet. They're facing battles you have no idea about." There is no way of knowing what a person is going through or why they might have lost their patience with someone at a given moment. They might be like that all the time, or it just might be a bad snapshot in an otherwise wonderful album of a personality. Losing one's patience doesn't make them a bad person. We have all been there. But it's being aware that we are doing it, or have done it and then reconciling afterward that makes a difference.
Maybe the recent realization and confidence is partly a result of my volunteer work. I volunteer as a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA), speaking on behalf of and working with abused and neglected children in the court system and foster care. While doing this volunteer work, I can't help but think, what can be done before these families get to this point?
Last week I was at the local pool with my husband and children when I saw a mother and her very small six-year-old girl near us. The mother was holding her daughter trying to teach her how to tread water. Then she would let go and the girl would sink. They did this over and over and over again until the mother was frustrated and yelling at her daughter that if she didn't do it they were going to leave, and the little girl was crying. I watched them, wondering why it was so vital that this child have to learn to tread water on the last day the pool was open and the little girl starting school the next day. Why couldn't she go have fun and play with the other kids and splash in the pool and stand under the buckets that dump water on the kids' heads on her last day of summer vacation? Watching the little girl, she could barely swim, let alone tread water. She was only able to swim underwater for short bursts.
So, I took a chance and approached them. I gently introduced myself and asked what her daughter was trying to learn. The mother's demeanor softened and she explained to me what she was trying to teach her. My middle daughter was nearby. I told the mother that I used to teach swimming and had once been a lifeguard and had taught my own children to swim. I said I would be happy to work with her daughter for awhile if the two of them didn't mind. She was very happy about that. I asked the little girl her name, told her mine again, then introduced her to my daughter Sara and showed her how she was treading water. I told her I taught Sara to do that. I asked if she felt ok about me spending some time with her and she said she was. So, her mom went off to relax for awhile under the umbrellas poolside and her daughter and I spent some time together practicing the basics of treading while chatting about school and swimming and such. I told her treading takes a long time to learn and gave her some visuals and pointers to keep in mind. I used a lot of positive reinforcement as well and she loved to hear what a good job she was doing. After the adult swim came and went, this little girl sought me out and wanted to learn some more, so we spent more time together while my children went down the slide with their dad. Her mom was very relaxed now chatting on her cell phone.
Once our lesson was done, I talked with the child's mom and told her some pointers that we used to remember for the next time. She was very appreciative and then the little girl was allowed to swim and play the rest of the afternoon.
On another occasion, my family and I were at a local pizza chain having dinner one weekend. There was a young mother there with a toddler and infant in a booth at the end of the room. The toddler was climbing all over the booth and the baby started to fuss and eventually went into that all-out crying mode for his bottle. The mom was clearly frustrated trying to feed the baby and keep the toddler from running through the restaurant. At one point she grabbed the toddler by the shirt, yelling at him. It was clear she was overwhelmed. I went by her table and told her she had beautiful boys. She thanked me and I started to talk to her toddler, asking him if he was helping take care of his baby brother. He started to engage in talking and then sat in his seat. The mother and I got to chatting then and I just listened as she talked for awhile. It turned out her husband worked in the restaurant and she was waiting for him to get off, but his shift was running late. The kids were tired and hungry and the little boy knew his dad was in the kitchen and kept trying to go back there. She seemed calmer just having someone to chat with while waiting and so did her son having "company" there to interact with and behave for.
These were not heroic feats by any means. But I hope that in reaching out to people in these small ways, it helps someone on that edge of losing the last of their patience see things from a new perspective, be able to take that breath, and just have someone to vent their frustration to. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone and just listen.
And when it comes to our own families, remember that patience is something that comes through practice; so practice every chance you get - like you would with yoga, or running, or other interests you have. The more you practice it, the more naturally it will come. Believe me, you will never find it wrapped up for you under the Christmas tree!
